There are approximately 1.18 million ultra-Orthodox Jews in Israel. They often live isolated from the rest of society, adhering to strict rules. A growing number of young people are leaving this community. However, this doesn't necessarily lead to a break with their families, as the story of Shay Helman demonstrates. The 36-year-old continues to live with his father in Jerusalem after leaving the community. There he also met Delly Hezel, an employee of "Christians Standing with Israel." Shay spoke with "Christians Standing with Israel" about how he managed to leave the community and the challenges his new life presents. The questions were posed by Dana Nowak.
Dana Nowak: Shay, you grew up in an ultra-Orthodox family in the Jerusalem neighborhood of Mea Shearim. As a young man, you left the community, which lives in a very secluded way. Can you tell us something about your life in Mea Shearim?
Shay Helmann: I went to an ultra-Orthodox school until I was 16. Classes were in Yiddish. We didn't have English and only very basic math. There weren't any exams like in secular schools. It was almost entirely about holy books and religious instruction. I got married when I was 20.
Was it an arranged marriage or were you able to choose freely?
It was arranged; I didn't really think about it. I didn't know the woman I married. I only met her three times, and after a few months, we got married. We divorced two years later. We have a son; he's 15 years old.
Did he grow up in Mea Schearim?
No, he is not religious. My ex-wife is no longer religious either.
You eventually left the Haredi community. Why?
That was simply part of my personality. I was curious and I didn't accept the idea that you had to accept everything in the community and weren't allowed to question anything. But that was a long process.
Do you now live a secular life or are you still religious and believe in God?
I still believe in God, but I don't belong to any particular community or group.
How did your family react to your departure? Did they accept it?
I still live in Mea Schearim with my father and have a good relationship with my family. My mother died six years ago. We had a very good relationship. I haven't lost touch with my family; I think that's very important.
It's wonderful that they accepted it and that you're still in contact. I've heard of other families who broke apart because a child left the community.
Yes, I try not to change anyone, not to hurt their feelings, and not to do things that aren't allowed in public, so they don't feel uncomfortable around me. I respect the environment, but I don't change myself just to feel like I belong.
Do you talk to your family, your father, or friends about your new life, or is that more of a taboo subject?
Not often. But they know I'm online and have a TV. We don't have philosophical discussions about what's true or not. My family connection is very important to me, and everyone has their own beliefs, which I respect. Even if there are disagreements and we don't agree on everything, it doesn't affect our entire lives. Ultimately, most people have the same problems in their daily lives.
What did you know about life outside of Mea Shearim? What was your understanding of secular Israel?
My mother came from a secular, traditional family. I didn't know much about her or about Israel outside of Mea Shearim. We were taught that people outside were bad people. If you wanted to be a good person, you had to be religious—that's what I was taught. But when I joined the army, I had more contact with non-religious people. I realized that things aren't black and white. The world is much more complicated. That was a culture shock for me. When I joined the army, I was still ultra-Orthodox, and when I left, I was still religious, but no longer ultra-Orthodox. I had a lot of criticism of the community.
What were your criticisms?
For me, life in the community felt unnatural. You want to be someone you're not allowed to be.
You joined the army even though most Haredim oppose this. What motivated you to do so?
That was when I separated from my wife. I was looking for a distraction. A cousin told me about the army. I knew next to nothing about it and jumped in at the deep end. I was there for 20 months.
The question of whether strictly observant Jews should also perform military service is as old as the State of Israel and divides society. A large proportion of Haredim do not serve in the army, but instead dedicate themselves entirely to Torah study. What is your opinion on this topic? Should military service be mandatory?
I don't think you can force young men in this culture to do anything. It has to come from within themselves, from inside and not from outside the community. Otherwise, it will only create more hostility.
Let's return to your departure: How did you manage to leave the religious community? Did you have any help?
I received most of the help at university. I didn't use any organizations, but I understand why such organizations are important for other people. It's a huge challenge to go out into the world, attend university, and start over without a good basic education.
So you studied at a university after your army service?
Yes, I studied at an open university; there were no prerequisites. I learned everything with friends or other students. I also learned English at university. First, I earned a diploma in psychology and then in computer science. Now I'm doing my master's in German studies. Many strictly religious Jews work in the high-tech sector.
How come? They don't usually have internet access, or has that changed?
I think that's changing. More and more Haredim have internet access. It depends on the religious group, on what the rabbi says. We have a labor shortage in the high-tech sector, and many Haredim are looking for work. My company is called Elementor. My boss is Haredi, but I also have colleagues who aren't religious. My brother, for example, doesn't have internet access, but his wife works on a computer. She creates presentations for the community in Yiddish. If she needs to send an email, she comes to me. My other sister doesn't have any screens in the house at all. They have a telephone without messaging, without internet; they only make voice calls.
So you have two sisters and a brother?
Yes, my brother is a teacher at a religious school. He has six children. My oldest sister – she is 42 years old – has twelve children and three grandchildren. My other sister also has six children.
We're speaking English right now, but you also speak a little German. How come?
That's because we spoke Yiddish at school. But now I'm learning German, which I need for my master's degree. Sometimes it's confusing; there are many differences between German and Yiddish. But I generally like languages.
You are currently in Germany.
Yes, I'm fascinated by different cultures. I want to try to understand the differences. I find it interesting to get to know people from other cultures, to experience their kind of community, and also the phenomenon of Christianity. It's also very interesting for me to talk to Delly. She knows a lot. She probably knows more about Judaism than I do. I feel like I've been friends with the people here for years, even though I only met them this week.
How did you meet Delly from Christians Standing with Israel?
I first met Delly in Mea Schearim in December 2021. A friend told me he had visitors from Germany, so I invited him and his guests to my home. We also visited my sister. It was all very spontaneous.
Would you like to tell us something about your parents? Where are they from? Were they born in Israel?
Yes, they were both born in Israel. My father's father came to Israel from Poland before the Holocaust. My mother's father was from Morocco, and my grandmother was from Tunisia. My parents were a special couple, an Ashkenazi and a Sephardic woman; that was unique in our community. My mother later became religious.
Do you miss anything from your life in the religious community? Are you happy with your decision to leave it?
Yes, I'm happy, and I couldn't be any other way. But I think it's important not to lose touch with your family, even if you change your lifestyle. And I can say that my connection to my family is much closer today than when I was still part of the community.
Thank you Shay for the open conversation!
Background: Ultra-Orthodox Judaism…
…developed in Central and Eastern Europe at the end of the 19th century as a reaction to assimilation and reforms within Judaism, some of which involved a radical break with traditional ways of life. The worldview of the ultra-Orthodox is based on divinely ordained laws and their interpretations. They see themselves as guardians of Jewish tradition.
According to Israel's Central Bureau of Statistics, approximately 1.18 million Haredim (roughly translated as "God-fearing") live in the country, representing 12.6 percent of the population. Many men dedicate the majority of their time to the study of religious texts. The employment rate for men was around 52 percent in 2019, while for women it was 77 percent. The birth rate is slightly declining, averaging 6.5 children per woman in 2020. Many Haredi households live in poverty. The Haredim's relationship with the State of Israel is divided. A minority rejects it, believing that only the Messiah has the right to establish such a state. Other groups, however, actively participate in politics. What unites them all is their rejection of state interference in their way of life. Special rights granted to Haredim, such as exemption from military service and state subsidies, repeatedly lead to tensions within society.
This article first appeared in our newspaper "Israelaktuell," issue 130. You can order the newspaper free of charge here: https://csi-aktuell.de/israelaktuell. We would also be happy to send you several copies for distribution.
